Next Course: Leadership 101

I am not a leader.  Or at least I have never thought myself one.  I generally am the follower.  I let people tell me what to do.  In fact, I prefer it.  I don’t like making decisions, and I feel it has a lot to do with not letting people down.  But I also have a heart for serving/missions.  I love to help people, and see them satisfied or happy.  So when I was asked me to be part of the leadership for the Service Project Opportunities ministry that I am involved in, I felt two things.  Terror and excitement.  The first because I am so skeptical of myself and my abilities to be able to lead people in the right directions.  And the second because I feel like it’s a great opportunity for me to start using that heart of mine…putting my passion to practice.

So now, I have been introduced to an organization called Mission Centers of Houston.  This organization is located in the heart of the Houston area, and provides a number of ways for individuals and groups to serve the surrounding community.  I am excited that our group has decided to begin working with this organization, and I am super excited to be going to tour the facilities in the coming week.  I feel like God is opening a door for me to be able to serve in the way I really want to even while I am still here in Houston.

Also, I have been encouraged to attend a leadership conference in Dallas this coming January.  This is surprising to me, because like I said, I don’t feel like much of a leader.  It falls on the weekend I am supposed to be flying to Kentucky.  So, now I have to decide if I want to go to the conference and change my trip to Kentucky to the next week.  I am certainly interesed in going, but I am not sure why I am being encouraged to do so.  Do I have more leadership qualities than I recognize?

To be quite honest, I think I just might be gaining some leadership skills just from working at Walmart.  I have to be more assertive now than I used to.  I am pretty sure I would not have even considered any type of leadership activities before, so I guess that is a step up.

All in all, I think that God is preparing me for what I really have my heart set on.  Being in full time missions.  I know that I can do that here…yadda, yadda, yadda.  But I really don’t think it is near the same thing as being a full time missionary, which is what I want.  I am definitely becoming more proactive in making that happen, and I think it’s because I can see God opening some doors for me.  So, Thank you, Lord for finally setting me on track. =)

much love,

Diahnna

The Space Between Spaces

Have you ever been in a situation where your mind is telling you one thing, but your heart feels something else?  I think it’s safe to say that we have all been there.  That book titled, Battlefield of the Mind…well, I have never read it, but I think that the “battlefield” lies in the space between the mind and the heart.

I am not a person who makes choices based only on logic.  I am a feelings type person.  In the past I have been very naive with certain situations, and my heart was left unguarded. Because I am lead mostly by my feelings.  But over the past year, I have learned a lot about myself and now recognize that keeping myself guarded, while difficult, is healthy.  I have not by any means mastered this, but I think I have come a long way.

But, trying to practice this has left me at a crossroads.  Sometimes there are situations or circumstances in life that create a battle between the mind and the heart.  Especially when you recognize that completely relying on either one could lead to a lot of pain.  In one particular situation, I have been trying to remind myself daily of the truth of the circumstances.  By that I mean, what I know about it, instead of what I hope about it.

But on the other hand, my heart feels something so different.  And it’s not just a feeling like… “I really, really want this.”  It’s more a feeling of yearning.  It is a very intense sort of feeling.  So much so, that I am sometimes brought to tears.  But the tears are not about being sad that things are not the way I want them.  The tears come from a real place of…astonishment (?) that I even feel this way to begin with, and joy over the knowledge that the feeling is possible.  It is definitely not a feeling I have ever experienced before, and I must admit that it is a feeling I do not want to be relieved of.

So this is the part I am having a hard time with.  One line in a  song, by Shane and Shane says:

“Lord, sustain me with your voice

And the choice to walk in truth…”

Walking in love, means walking in truth.  And we have the choice in every situation in life to walk in that truth or to not. I don’t want my feelings about the situation to change, but if Love means walking in truth, then shouldn’t I be listening to what is in my head? Shouldn’t I be more convinced by the things that I know (truth) and just move on?  Or do my feelings mean anything at all?

I sort of sometimes feel like I might be not trusting God when I hold so tightly to what I feel.  When I don’t want the feelings to ever change.  But at the same time, I feel like I might be forgetting the importance of HOPE when I only listen to my mind.  Of course, we only have real hope in the things that are true.  I can hope in God because He is truth.  Therefore, in this situation, I should place my hope in what I already know about it.  But where does that leave my feelings?

Sorry if my ramblings leave you confused.  I am confused too!

much love,

Diahnna

Ask Me Anything

Leave me a comment saying “There’s a time and a place for that.” and

• I’ll respond by asking you five questions so I can satisfy my curiosity
• Update your journal with the answers to the questions
• Include this explanation in the post and offer to ask other people questions

Tara asked:

1. What is the one thing you fear the most?

• Dying before I get to have a family (a husband and children).  Although, once I am dead it really won’t matter.

2. If you didn’t believe in God how would your life be different?

• How wouldn’t it be different?  If I didn’t believe in God, things wouldn’t matter.  Like relationships, or chocolate, or making mistakes.  If I didn’t believe in God, I would never learn anything, or appreciate anything, and I definitely wouldn’t be able to love anything the way I really want to.

3. If money were no object where would you live and what would you do for a career?

• Hmmm…well if money were no object I wouldn’t care where I lived.  But I would sell everything I owned and work with the International Mission Board traveling as a missionary. =)

4. What’s one thing that a guy can do that’ll totally shut you off to them?

• This is a really good question.  I have never even thought of this before.  Let me think…. I probably have to go with lying/keeping secrets.  It makes me feel like I can’t trust him.  And it shows he doesn’t care enough about me to be honest and open.  If I can’t trust him, I can’t respect him.  And it’s hard to love someone you don’t have any respect for.  Also, if he is a liar, he probably doesn’t have very good character or integrity which is something I really look for in a guy.

5. If you could change one thing about your life instantly what would it be and why?

• Right now, I have to say I would only change my financial circumstances.  I would want ONE good, steady job, and to have no debt.  I don’t care about being rich, but worrying about money is stressful.

The Tragedy of Being Hip

What a week.  Last week was very hectic and things don’t look to be slowing down.  I started subbing and doing the Walmart thing, finally, at the same time.  It’s pretty much wearing me down.  I also moved from my mom’s house to an apartment with my dad and sister.  My stress level over money has gone up considerably!  But the best part of the whole week was seeing Derek Webb in concert with Caitlin and Danek on Saturday night.  I had been looking forward to that for a good while and I was not disappointed.  He puts on a really great show.

Anyway, yesterday at work (walmart) one of the bosses brought up the management test issue again.  I made the mistake of telling him the exact date I am eligible to retake it.  Today, another boss was trying to convince me I wanted to move to apparel and take a department manager’s position for THREE departments.   So, next week when it comes time for me to take this test again I know I am going to be ambushed.  The thing is, taking that job means no more subbing.  But they schedule is great and the pay is better than what I’ve got now.  This means I need to decide if it will be worth it in the long run.  I KNOW, without a doubt, that when the time comes to start the alternative certification program I am quitting Walmart.  But for now, should I just stick out the two jobs and hope I can make it?  Or do I let them talk me into taking a dept. manager position?

I am not really any closer in deciding about Kentucky.  I have a tendency to say I have “decided” something, even before my heart really knows what it wants.  I know I want to be actively involved in missions, full time.  But right now I have no idea how to get there….debt free!

Also, I am experiencing something new…and have been over the past few weeks.  I am learning that sometimes in relationships, every circumstance is not caused by me.  I have a tendency to believe that when things “go wrong” or seem “kinda rocky” that it’s because of something I did or said.  The truth is that sometimes there is just bad timing.  And that when something difficult or unusual happens in a relationship it doesn’t necessarily mean drama will be involved.  I am very good at causing my own drama.  So, let’s just say I am very happy to know that it’s not all about me. =)

 

much love,

Diahnna

Moldy Cheese And Bad Whine

I think there are a couple of little things I need to straighten out.  For my few readers, who also happen to be friends, I am sure my latest blogging efforts have been somewhat…tiresome (?) to read.  I have turned my blog into, basically, and online temper tantrum about things that aren’t going my way, instead of the random and sometimes interesting insight about silly and serious things.  So, dear friends, I am sorry.  From here on, the subject matter for this blog shall remain quite random, and hopefully, drama free.

Now, to address my mood of late.  I feel an explanation of why I always feel the need to rant is in order.  Except, I can’t really give you a precise explanation.  I have a couple of theories, though.  #1- I think there might be a little problem with my hormones being out of whack due to the lack of medication for my silly, screwed up thyroid.  I haven’t been on medication in probably a couple of years and it might be catching up to me.  Only, the thyroid problem doesn’t ever change the way I FEEL about a situation I am in.  It only changes the way I REACT to the situation.  So, if I am acting like I am angry about something, it’s because I really am angry.

#2- This is most likely the number one factor.  I have sort of drifted away from seeking the Lord on all areas of my life.  I realized this because, I don’t really know if God wants me to go to Kentucky for seminary.  I know I don’t want to teach, at least not forever.  But I don’t really know which way the Lord is leading, because I haven’t really asked.  And it isn’t just about seminary.  I have been trying to fix relationships all on my own.  I have worried about money all on my own.  And I have been spending all my free time all on my own, literally.

These things are not necessarily excuses.  I used to think that I was really mature, even in comparison to my peers.  But I am beginning to realize that that is not the case.  Maybe I was mature as an 18 year old and then I sort of got stuck.  I am a 25 year old adult, who should be able to filter her behavior so she doesn’t act like a total…”bad word I can’t say.” (that’s just for you Stephen).  So,  I am just acknowledging the fact that my behavior (at least online) hasn’t really been in check lately, and there are a couple of solutions I have to help me change that.  So, prayers are encouraged and appreciated.  And, hopefully, in spite of the things that keep my stress level up and my heart hurting, I will be on better behavior from now on.  My fingers will indeed have a filter. =/

much love,

Diahnna

Stuck Between Old And New

Sometimes there are things to say that can’t even be said on WordPress.  Only because the most appropriate way to say it is face to face.  Except I don’t want to have that conversation.  This is when trying to move away from old friends who bring you down and move towards new friends who lift you up at the same time is most dangerous.  This is when having no one to talk to is hardest.

New friends aren’t invested enough to want to be the “go to” people for your problems.  And the old friends are too skilled in making your problems seem insignificant.  Right now, I am really wishing I weren’t that needy.  I wish I didn’t need someone to talk to and encourage me and help me see that everything is going to be alright.

Right now, I wish being alone was fine for me.  That socialization wasn’t a big part of who I am.  That caring too much about friendship wasn’t part of me.  That one of my flaws wasn’t getting too attached to people I admire and respect.  I wish it were easier to just let some people go.

But that is not who I am.  My heart is much softer than that.  And I am beginning to realize that it is a major downfall for my relationships.  I am much more willing to invest myself in relationships than most other people.  And because of that, I am easily hurt.  Because of that, I easily over react.  And my over reactions cause people to see more of my flaws than they do of my goodness.

In fact, this post is most likely an over reaction. =(

much love,

Diahnna

And They All Freaked Out…

This is why I didn’t want to talk about going to Kentucky.  Basically, I had a huge fight with my sister at House of Pies because she decided she needed to explain to me how things were going to be.  First of all, even if I plan on paying my share of the rent on our apartment after I am gone, it’s still unfair to her and my dad.  Also, since I have so much debt, I really should think about how I am going to be able to pay rent, tuition, other bills and still have debt to pay.

But, this was not her being non-supportive.  This was just my younger sister explaining to me what my decision means.  Also, she doesn’t want her credit screwed up because I can’t pay my share of the rent.

SO…really?  I mean is my financial situation really any of her business?  Is it her business how I am able to pay for tuition? Even if I can only save enough for the first semester, is what happens after that any of her business?  As long as I hold up my end of the deal when it comes to the apartment lease, is anything else I do really her business?  Is it her business how much debt I am in, or whether or not it is paid before I leave for Kentucky?  She seems to think so.  And her solution is that I stay here until I have paid all my debt (including $23,000 in student loans), and have saved enough money for the entire time I will be at seminary.

You know it’s pretty sad that I can’t trust my family and my closest friends to be supportive of me.  One of those friends isn’t even talking to me right now it seems like (and if he is, I have no idea what he thinks of this, cause he hasn’t talked to me in a while).  And I really don’t even care that he reads this blog and knows I am talking about him cause I am so pissed off (although I might regret this later…that tends to happen). Ugh!  So now I don’t know if should even try to go to Kentucky.  Everyone elses happiness is more important, I guess.  >=(

much love,

Diahnna

Something Quite Random

Today at work I was joking around with a male coworker.  Completely harmless really.  I said, “You’re making a mess.”  He said, “Don’t make me hurt you.”  I said, “You shouldn’t hit girls.”  He walked over and punched me in the arm. Not hard, obviously cause he could have been in trouble for that.  Just joking around, like I said.  But this had me thinking about something quite random.

I don’t have very good….social skills…I guess, when it comes to the opposite gender.  They seem pretty intimidating to me.  I mean I have some male friends, but very few.  Most males I meet are just friends enough to hold a conversation in person, but never really get involved in each others lives.  The ones I have that I let get involved, I still hold mostly at a distance.  Then there are VERY few that I let get pretty close.  I disclose a lot of who I am to those few because I feel like I can trust them.  Also, I admire who they are as a person, and I typically have a lot of respect for them.  With the exception of one (Stephen), I tend to make a complete disaster out of those friendships. One of which I am particularly regretting at the moment.  This happens because I allow my heart to make too many mistakes.  I am getting off track.

Anyway,  here is the question.  What happens if I ever needed a guy to kick someone’s ass?  Seriously.  Not that anything like that would ever happen, but come on.  Every girl needs at least one guy in her life who is willing to stick up for her if she ever needs it.  And I can’t think of one guy I know who would be willing to do that for me.

I only thought of this because I was wondering what would happen if that guy really had hit me and hadn’t just been joking around.  I mean I know the scenario couldn’t have really turned out that way because there were people around and all.  But what if there weren’t?  What if I had been alone with that guy and he just hit me?

Honestly, I am not really even talking about fighting.  There are better ways to defend someone you care about than with physical altercations.  So, I guess the real solution here is to not let myself get so intimidated by men.  I suppose I should learn to open myself up to the possibility of having a close relationship with a guy and then try my best not to ruin  it with my….silly girlishness.  I think I should add that to the list of things to accomplish before my next birthday. =)

much love,

Diahnna

Bus Rides and Band Guys

This weekend I drove to Austin to see one of my favorite friends, Amy.  This was my first trip to Austin and also happened to be the weekend of Austin City Limits music festival.  I am about to recount the craziness that was this weekend.

I arrived at Amy’s house at about 10:20ish in the a.m. on Saturday. We sat and chatted and got ready to hit the streets.  We left to catch the bus at about 11:45.  But by the time we parked at park and ride it had started to sprinkle…with rain.  I DO NOT like rain.  We had to walk a block to the bus stop around the corner and we ended up having to run to  catch it in time.  Anyway, we rode downtown where we went to Starbucks and a couple of little shops.  Then we found out that Amy’s friends had an extra day pass to ACL. So we took the bus back to her house to get ready for ACL.

This is where the fun begins. We took a bus back downtown at about 4 pm. to meet up with her friends who had the tickets.  Once downtown we decided to eat while we were waiting.  We sat..and we sat…and we sat.  The girl who was supposed to bring the tickets wasn’t answering.  At about 7ish we decided it wasn’t really worth going anymore since we would have to leave ACL by 10ish to catch a bus back home. Then her friend called and said they had not even left their house yet.  So we left to catch a bus home and get ready to go out later with her friends.  By this time it was raining fairly hard.  We waited for the #3 for 20 minutes.  We were soaked, the bus was freezing, but we thought we’d only be on there for an hour.

Then the bus stopped…the driver got out…and we sat there for 20 minutes on his lunch break.  Once we got going again, we realized the #3 had changed to the #10.  We were not supposed to take the #10.  We rode a little longer and then got off again to catch another bus.  This time we had to take it to a transfer station where we could take the correct bus to the park and ride.  Even so, the bus stopped down the street from the park and ride, so we had to walk to the car.  We got to her house at about 10:40ish.  LONGEST BUS RIDE EVER!!

Finally we were dry and ready to go, in our own vehicle, back downtown.  We went to a place called Mohawk’s.  It’s a bar that is supposed to have good music.  They did not have good music.  Techno rap dance music that is too loud to hear the people standing next to you is not good.  But it turned out okay cause I met Amy’s friends, some of which were guys in a band that had played earlier at ACL.  Sadly, that band is not called MUTEMATH.  (I wish…I know some people who would have been totally jealous. ;P)  Anyway, the band is called Alberta Cross.  So we stayed until the bar closed at 2am.

At this point I was….ready to go to sleep, let’s just say.  Honestly, I was very coherent and able to function properly, but I was very tired.  But instead we went to the apartment of some people that I am not really sure who they are.  We sat around there and played catch phrase…a really boring game of catch phrase.  Then we left.  But not to go home yet.  No, we had to take a couple guys from the band to their hotel.  But we didn’t know where that was.  Amy then decided she couldn’t drive, so she pulled over and I got in the drivers seat.  Do you know how hard it is to get somewhere when three people are trying to give you directions and you don’t know your way around the city?  Eventually we made it there.  Then we went home.  I got to sleep at about 6:30ish.  Slept very little and woke up at about 12ish.

So then I was very tired, but I still had to drive home.  We sat around Amy’s watching Friends episodes and eating Dunkin Donuts until I had to leave at 5pm.  And of course I made it home at 8:30ish, just in time to go to work at 10pm.  Long weekend.  But I always have so much fun with Amy, even if all we do is ride buses and hang out with band guys. =)

much love,

Diahnna

What Would Dionda Do?

All this spending time alone has me thinking.  About who I am and who I want to be.  I am not certain of a whole lot of things, but I do know who God has called me to be. I am meant to live for Him.  I am called to do His will and to live my life for His glory.  I don’t believe that necessarily includes forgetting what I desire.  God lives in me, and a very large part of my desires are things He put in my heart.  And I am to pursue those things in order to glorify Him.  And in a manner that glorifies Him.

So what is it that I want?  If you know me well, or even sort of well, you know that I have only three major goals in life.  All the others are just…extra.  These goals are simple really.  I want to be a missionary.  On missions 24/7 or at least serving full time in a ministry where the primary goal is to serve others in the name of Christ. I also want to get married and have kids.

Over the past several months I have been focused on things that have nothing to do with these goals.  I mean, mainly I have been trying to find enough work to pay off my debts and make myself financially secure.  This became my focus when the lack of money kept me from attending seminary, where I should have been this fall.  When I finally decided not to go, I thought it was because God was telling me He didn’t want me there.  And so many people were saying, “If it were a financial thing, God would have made it happen.”  So naturally I also stopped praying about it.

The other day I ran into an old friend.  We were talking about what we are doing and planning to do.  I had to honestly tell him that I wasn’t sure where God wanted me, or what He wanted me to do.  He gave me this advice, “Pray that God will place you where He wants you.”  We talked a little more and when he left I decided to take his advice.  Within 20 minutes of constantly praying that one line over and over, this is what God said, “Diahnna, I have given you certain desires for a reason.  You can’t just pick and choose the ones you want to pursue.”

So my current plans are to be here.  To teach and get out of debt, out of my parents house, and support myself.  But am I doing that for me, or am I doing it because it’s what other people expect?  Because it’s safe?  Because being financially secure is so important?  Jesus didn’t live that way.  And neither should I.

Goal #1 is to serve in a capacity where I am able to not only help others, but also share the Gospel.  That means missions.  In my mind, and more importantly, in my heart, this is something I cannot do here.  I am too distracted by…everything.  Everything I love is here, but I think God has been calling me for a long time to take my life some place else and share Him with others.

I brought up the idea of going to seminary again with Sharla.  This is what she asked me, “If there were absolutely no limitations on what you could do, what would you do?”  I know what that answer is.  But I am always so afraid of disappointing the people around me. Or of having people think I want to leave here for the wrong reasons.  No one was nearly as supportive of seminary when I pursued it before as I would have liked.  As soon as I even hinted that I might decide NOT to go, everyone agreed that God probably was telling me to stay.

Now I know what I want to do.  But I also know I can’t tell many people about it.  Lack of encouragement will only serve to make me want to please everyone but me.  Also, this would require a lot of praying (with the heart of Elijah) and a big miracle…or two.  But I know that I don’t want to settle.  And being here doing something I know I am not meant to do would be settling.  So, if you’re willing, pray for me.  Pray for my heart and my strength.  And a little encouragement would be nice now and then. =)

much love,

Diahnna

P.S. I miss my friends.  Also, I want pie!!