The Tragedy of Being Hip

What a week.  Last week was very hectic and things don’t look to be slowing down.  I started subbing and doing the Walmart thing, finally, at the same time.  It’s pretty much wearing me down.  I also moved from my mom’s house to an apartment with my dad and sister.  My stress level over money has gone up considerably!  But the best part of the whole week was seeing Derek Webb in concert with Caitlin and Danek on Saturday night.  I had been looking forward to that for a good while and I was not disappointed.  He puts on a really great show.

Anyway, yesterday at work (walmart) one of the bosses brought up the management test issue again.  I made the mistake of telling him the exact date I am eligible to retake it.  Today, another boss was trying to convince me I wanted to move to apparel and take a department manager’s position for THREE departments.   So, next week when it comes time for me to take this test again I know I am going to be ambushed.  The thing is, taking that job means no more subbing.  But they schedule is great and the pay is better than what I’ve got now.  This means I need to decide if it will be worth it in the long run.  I KNOW, without a doubt, that when the time comes to start the alternative certification program I am quitting Walmart.  But for now, should I just stick out the two jobs and hope I can make it?  Or do I let them talk me into taking a dept. manager position?

I am not really any closer in deciding about Kentucky.  I have a tendency to say I have “decided” something, even before my heart really knows what it wants.  I know I want to be actively involved in missions, full time.  But right now I have no idea how to get there….debt free!

Also, I am experiencing something new…and have been over the past few weeks.  I am learning that sometimes in relationships, every circumstance is not caused by me.  I have a tendency to believe that when things “go wrong” or seem “kinda rocky” that it’s because of something I did or said.  The truth is that sometimes there is just bad timing.  And that when something difficult or unusual happens in a relationship it doesn’t necessarily mean drama will be involved.  I am very good at causing my own drama.  So, let’s just say I am very happy to know that it’s not all about me. =)

 

much love,

Diahnna

Moldy Cheese And Bad Whine

I think there are a couple of little things I need to straighten out.  For my few readers, who also happen to be friends, I am sure my latest blogging efforts have been somewhat…tiresome (?) to read.  I have turned my blog into, basically, and online temper tantrum about things that aren’t going my way, instead of the random and sometimes interesting insight about silly and serious things.  So, dear friends, I am sorry.  From here on, the subject matter for this blog shall remain quite random, and hopefully, drama free.

Now, to address my mood of late.  I feel an explanation of why I always feel the need to rant is in order.  Except, I can’t really give you a precise explanation.  I have a couple of theories, though.  #1- I think there might be a little problem with my hormones being out of whack due to the lack of medication for my silly, screwed up thyroid.  I haven’t been on medication in probably a couple of years and it might be catching up to me.  Only, the thyroid problem doesn’t ever change the way I FEEL about a situation I am in.  It only changes the way I REACT to the situation.  So, if I am acting like I am angry about something, it’s because I really am angry.

#2- This is most likely the number one factor.  I have sort of drifted away from seeking the Lord on all areas of my life.  I realized this because, I don’t really know if God wants me to go to Kentucky for seminary.  I know I don’t want to teach, at least not forever.  But I don’t really know which way the Lord is leading, because I haven’t really asked.  And it isn’t just about seminary.  I have been trying to fix relationships all on my own.  I have worried about money all on my own.  And I have been spending all my free time all on my own, literally.

These things are not necessarily excuses.  I used to think that I was really mature, even in comparison to my peers.  But I am beginning to realize that that is not the case.  Maybe I was mature as an 18 year old and then I sort of got stuck.  I am a 25 year old adult, who should be able to filter her behavior so she doesn’t act like a total…”bad word I can’t say.” (that’s just for you Stephen).  So,  I am just acknowledging the fact that my behavior (at least online) hasn’t really been in check lately, and there are a couple of solutions I have to help me change that.  So, prayers are encouraged and appreciated.  And, hopefully, in spite of the things that keep my stress level up and my heart hurting, I will be on better behavior from now on.  My fingers will indeed have a filter. =/

much love,

Diahnna

Stuck Between Old And New

Sometimes there are things to say that can’t even be said on WordPress.  Only because the most appropriate way to say it is face to face.  Except I don’t want to have that conversation.  This is when trying to move away from old friends who bring you down and move towards new friends who lift you up at the same time is most dangerous.  This is when having no one to talk to is hardest.

New friends aren’t invested enough to want to be the “go to” people for your problems.  And the old friends are too skilled in making your problems seem insignificant.  Right now, I am really wishing I weren’t that needy.  I wish I didn’t need someone to talk to and encourage me and help me see that everything is going to be alright.

Right now, I wish being alone was fine for me.  That socialization wasn’t a big part of who I am.  That caring too much about friendship wasn’t part of me.  That one of my flaws wasn’t getting too attached to people I admire and respect.  I wish it were easier to just let some people go.

But that is not who I am.  My heart is much softer than that.  And I am beginning to realize that it is a major downfall for my relationships.  I am much more willing to invest myself in relationships than most other people.  And because of that, I am easily hurt.  Because of that, I easily over react.  And my over reactions cause people to see more of my flaws than they do of my goodness.

In fact, this post is most likely an over reaction. =(

much love,

Diahnna

And They All Freaked Out…

This is why I didn’t want to talk about going to Kentucky.  Basically, I had a huge fight with my sister at House of Pies because she decided she needed to explain to me how things were going to be.  First of all, even if I plan on paying my share of the rent on our apartment after I am gone, it’s still unfair to her and my dad.  Also, since I have so much debt, I really should think about how I am going to be able to pay rent, tuition, other bills and still have debt to pay.

But, this was not her being non-supportive.  This was just my younger sister explaining to me what my decision means.  Also, she doesn’t want her credit screwed up because I can’t pay my share of the rent.

SO…really?  I mean is my financial situation really any of her business?  Is it her business how I am able to pay for tuition? Even if I can only save enough for the first semester, is what happens after that any of her business?  As long as I hold up my end of the deal when it comes to the apartment lease, is anything else I do really her business?  Is it her business how much debt I am in, or whether or not it is paid before I leave for Kentucky?  She seems to think so.  And her solution is that I stay here until I have paid all my debt (including $23,000 in student loans), and have saved enough money for the entire time I will be at seminary.

You know it’s pretty sad that I can’t trust my family and my closest friends to be supportive of me.  One of those friends isn’t even talking to me right now it seems like (and if he is, I have no idea what he thinks of this, cause he hasn’t talked to me in a while).  And I really don’t even care that he reads this blog and knows I am talking about him cause I am so pissed off (although I might regret this later…that tends to happen). Ugh!  So now I don’t know if should even try to go to Kentucky.  Everyone elses happiness is more important, I guess.  >=(

much love,

Diahnna

Something Quite Random

Today at work I was joking around with a male coworker.  Completely harmless really.  I said, “You’re making a mess.”  He said, “Don’t make me hurt you.”  I said, “You shouldn’t hit girls.”  He walked over and punched me in the arm. Not hard, obviously cause he could have been in trouble for that.  Just joking around, like I said.  But this had me thinking about something quite random.

I don’t have very good….social skills…I guess, when it comes to the opposite gender.  They seem pretty intimidating to me.  I mean I have some male friends, but very few.  Most males I meet are just friends enough to hold a conversation in person, but never really get involved in each others lives.  The ones I have that I let get involved, I still hold mostly at a distance.  Then there are VERY few that I let get pretty close.  I disclose a lot of who I am to those few because I feel like I can trust them.  Also, I admire who they are as a person, and I typically have a lot of respect for them.  With the exception of one (Stephen), I tend to make a complete disaster out of those friendships. One of which I am particularly regretting at the moment.  This happens because I allow my heart to make too many mistakes.  I am getting off track.

Anyway,  here is the question.  What happens if I ever needed a guy to kick someone’s ass?  Seriously.  Not that anything like that would ever happen, but come on.  Every girl needs at least one guy in her life who is willing to stick up for her if she ever needs it.  And I can’t think of one guy I know who would be willing to do that for me.

I only thought of this because I was wondering what would happen if that guy really had hit me and hadn’t just been joking around.  I mean I know the scenario couldn’t have really turned out that way because there were people around and all.  But what if there weren’t?  What if I had been alone with that guy and he just hit me?

Honestly, I am not really even talking about fighting.  There are better ways to defend someone you care about than with physical altercations.  So, I guess the real solution here is to not let myself get so intimidated by men.  I suppose I should learn to open myself up to the possibility of having a close relationship with a guy and then try my best not to ruin  it with my….silly girlishness.  I think I should add that to the list of things to accomplish before my next birthday. =)

much love,

Diahnna

Bus Rides and Band Guys

This weekend I drove to Austin to see one of my favorite friends, Amy.  This was my first trip to Austin and also happened to be the weekend of Austin City Limits music festival.  I am about to recount the craziness that was this weekend.

I arrived at Amy’s house at about 10:20ish in the a.m. on Saturday. We sat and chatted and got ready to hit the streets.  We left to catch the bus at about 11:45.  But by the time we parked at park and ride it had started to sprinkle…with rain.  I DO NOT like rain.  We had to walk a block to the bus stop around the corner and we ended up having to run to  catch it in time.  Anyway, we rode downtown where we went to Starbucks and a couple of little shops.  Then we found out that Amy’s friends had an extra day pass to ACL. So we took the bus back to her house to get ready for ACL.

This is where the fun begins. We took a bus back downtown at about 4 pm. to meet up with her friends who had the tickets.  Once downtown we decided to eat while we were waiting.  We sat..and we sat…and we sat.  The girl who was supposed to bring the tickets wasn’t answering.  At about 7ish we decided it wasn’t really worth going anymore since we would have to leave ACL by 10ish to catch a bus back home. Then her friend called and said they had not even left their house yet.  So we left to catch a bus home and get ready to go out later with her friends.  By this time it was raining fairly hard.  We waited for the #3 for 20 minutes.  We were soaked, the bus was freezing, but we thought we’d only be on there for an hour.

Then the bus stopped…the driver got out…and we sat there for 20 minutes on his lunch break.  Once we got going again, we realized the #3 had changed to the #10.  We were not supposed to take the #10.  We rode a little longer and then got off again to catch another bus.  This time we had to take it to a transfer station where we could take the correct bus to the park and ride.  Even so, the bus stopped down the street from the park and ride, so we had to walk to the car.  We got to her house at about 10:40ish.  LONGEST BUS RIDE EVER!!

Finally we were dry and ready to go, in our own vehicle, back downtown.  We went to a place called Mohawk’s.  It’s a bar that is supposed to have good music.  They did not have good music.  Techno rap dance music that is too loud to hear the people standing next to you is not good.  But it turned out okay cause I met Amy’s friends, some of which were guys in a band that had played earlier at ACL.  Sadly, that band is not called MUTEMATH.  (I wish…I know some people who would have been totally jealous. ;P)  Anyway, the band is called Alberta Cross.  So we stayed until the bar closed at 2am.

At this point I was….ready to go to sleep, let’s just say.  Honestly, I was very coherent and able to function properly, but I was very tired.  But instead we went to the apartment of some people that I am not really sure who they are.  We sat around there and played catch phrase…a really boring game of catch phrase.  Then we left.  But not to go home yet.  No, we had to take a couple guys from the band to their hotel.  But we didn’t know where that was.  Amy then decided she couldn’t drive, so she pulled over and I got in the drivers seat.  Do you know how hard it is to get somewhere when three people are trying to give you directions and you don’t know your way around the city?  Eventually we made it there.  Then we went home.  I got to sleep at about 6:30ish.  Slept very little and woke up at about 12ish.

So then I was very tired, but I still had to drive home.  We sat around Amy’s watching Friends episodes and eating Dunkin Donuts until I had to leave at 5pm.  And of course I made it home at 8:30ish, just in time to go to work at 10pm.  Long weekend.  But I always have so much fun with Amy, even if all we do is ride buses and hang out with band guys. =)

much love,

Diahnna

What Would Dionda Do?

All this spending time alone has me thinking.  About who I am and who I want to be.  I am not certain of a whole lot of things, but I do know who God has called me to be. I am meant to live for Him.  I am called to do His will and to live my life for His glory.  I don’t believe that necessarily includes forgetting what I desire.  God lives in me, and a very large part of my desires are things He put in my heart.  And I am to pursue those things in order to glorify Him.  And in a manner that glorifies Him.

So what is it that I want?  If you know me well, or even sort of well, you know that I have only three major goals in life.  All the others are just…extra.  These goals are simple really.  I want to be a missionary.  On missions 24/7 or at least serving full time in a ministry where the primary goal is to serve others in the name of Christ. I also want to get married and have kids.

Over the past several months I have been focused on things that have nothing to do with these goals.  I mean, mainly I have been trying to find enough work to pay off my debts and make myself financially secure.  This became my focus when the lack of money kept me from attending seminary, where I should have been this fall.  When I finally decided not to go, I thought it was because God was telling me He didn’t want me there.  And so many people were saying, “If it were a financial thing, God would have made it happen.”  So naturally I also stopped praying about it.

The other day I ran into an old friend.  We were talking about what we are doing and planning to do.  I had to honestly tell him that I wasn’t sure where God wanted me, or what He wanted me to do.  He gave me this advice, “Pray that God will place you where He wants you.”  We talked a little more and when he left I decided to take his advice.  Within 20 minutes of constantly praying that one line over and over, this is what God said, “Diahnna, I have given you certain desires for a reason.  You can’t just pick and choose the ones you want to pursue.”

So my current plans are to be here.  To teach and get out of debt, out of my parents house, and support myself.  But am I doing that for me, or am I doing it because it’s what other people expect?  Because it’s safe?  Because being financially secure is so important?  Jesus didn’t live that way.  And neither should I.

Goal #1 is to serve in a capacity where I am able to not only help others, but also share the Gospel.  That means missions.  In my mind, and more importantly, in my heart, this is something I cannot do here.  I am too distracted by…everything.  Everything I love is here, but I think God has been calling me for a long time to take my life some place else and share Him with others.

I brought up the idea of going to seminary again with Sharla.  This is what she asked me, “If there were absolutely no limitations on what you could do, what would you do?”  I know what that answer is.  But I am always so afraid of disappointing the people around me. Or of having people think I want to leave here for the wrong reasons.  No one was nearly as supportive of seminary when I pursued it before as I would have liked.  As soon as I even hinted that I might decide NOT to go, everyone agreed that God probably was telling me to stay.

Now I know what I want to do.  But I also know I can’t tell many people about it.  Lack of encouragement will only serve to make me want to please everyone but me.  Also, this would require a lot of praying (with the heart of Elijah) and a big miracle…or two.  But I know that I don’t want to settle.  And being here doing something I know I am not meant to do would be settling.  So, if you’re willing, pray for me.  Pray for my heart and my strength.  And a little encouragement would be nice now and then. =)

much love,

Diahnna

P.S. I miss my friends.  Also, I want pie!!

Sleeping The Days Away

So, guess what!  I will officially be substitute teaching for Pasadena ISD after tomorrow’s orientation.  That means that #1 on my list will be complete! I will also still be working part time at walmart, but at least I am taking a huge step in moving away from that place.

Also, I am supposed to be moving in with my sister and my dad sometime in October.  And while I will still be living with one parent, my intention for setting goal #2 was to get out of Mom’s house and start supporting myself.  So, #2 on my list is as complete as it’s going to get for now.

There are plans to visit my good friend, Amy, in Austin the first weekend of October.   That makes me excited because, while it’s not a vacation, I will get to see some awesome stuff that I haven’t seen.  Which means a great opportunity to take some cool photographs, and perhaps visit a museum or two.  So perhaps #17 on my list will also be complete soon.

On a much heavier note, I have been feeling rather lonely lately.  Maybe it’s just because I have been working overnights for the past week and a half and sleeping alot during the day, so there’s not much time to spend with friends.  I’m not real sure, but things have been weird with my friends lately anyway.  I just haven’t been spending time with the “old one’s” much, and the “new ones”….well, certainly no drama there.  Just feels like it’s been a while. 

Also, haven’t been talking to Sharla as often since she came home last.  No real reason, but I miss her terribly.  She is going through alot right now, and I am accutely aware that I tend to call her when I have something dramatic going on.  (Not that I ever have drama in my life…not real drama anyway)  So, I haven’t wanted to bother her with that lately because I don’t want to stress her out or add anything to her burdens.  But I love that lady, and I miss her encouragement.

I guess I get some ecouragement from a few others, though not so often.  So that’s been difficult.  Anyway…that’s pretty much what has been going on with me lately.  I should stop blabbing. =/

 

much love,

Diahnna

The Way 25 Should Go

A list of things to do before my next birthday:

1. Get a new job!!!

2. Move out of my parent’s house

3. Pay off my car

4. Significantly reduce the amount of my debt

5. Take a real vacation

6. Visit the Kentuckians (this should be a separate vacation…so that I can have two.)

7. Start going to church again…all the time

8. Lose the last 40 lbs. I want to lose (so this means more than 40 if I screw up and gain 20 lbs back!!)

9. Buy a better camera (preferably a digital SLR)

10. Purchase a new vehicle

11. Learn that it’s okay to say “No!”

12. Be able to afford to buy people presents. =)

13. Go to the gym on a regular basis.

14. Get a new cell phone (I am tired of this one already)

15. Go to at least one ballet/musical/play/opera

16. be introduced to some awesome new music.

17. visit a museum or two….or three.

18. make someone’s day.

19. love people more.

20. become less selfish.

21. write at least one new song.

22. learn a few more guitar chords.

23. meet someone inspiring. (Not that I don’t already know people who are, but someone NEW who is inspiring.)

24. become less inhibited in a good way.

25. somehow acquire my own really awesome guitar. =)

I’ll try to keep you updated on when and how these get accomplished.

#14 is complete…but I’m kinda regretting it already. =(

much love,

Diahnna

I Love You More Than Ice Cream!

Father God,

I know that I don’t understand why you have me in the place where I am, or under the circumstances I seem to be under.  Why I am in certain peoples lives and not in others, or why situations in my life right now don’t makes sense.  I don’t understand where you are leading me from here, and I can’t see what even lies in my immediate future.

But I do know that you are always good, and you are always right.  And I want you to know that I trust you to do what you have purposed for my life and to make me satisfied in you.  I love you.  So while right now I don’t know or understand much of anything, or even trust myself to be who I am supposed to be,  I do know that you love me.  Please help me to feel that in my heart.

Amen