Beyond the Blue

Stand on the shores of a site unseen
The substance of this dwells in me
Cause my natural eyes only go skin deep
But the eye’s of my heart anchor the sea
Plumbing the depths to the place in between
The tangible world and the land of a dream
Because everything here ain’t quite what it seems
There’s more beneath the appearance of things
A beggar could be king within the shadows,
Of a wing

And wisdom will honor everyone who will learn
To listen, to love, and to pray and discern
And to do the right thing even when it burns
And to live in the light through each treacherous turn
A man is weak, but the spirit yearns
To keep on course from the bow to the stearn
And throw overboard every selfish concern
That tries to work for what can’t be earned
Sometimes the only way to return is to go,
Where the winds will take you

And to let go of all you cannot hold onto
For the hope beyond the blue

Yellow and gold as the new day dawns
Like a virgin unveiled who waited so long
To dance and rejoice and sing her song
And to rest in the arms of a love so strong
No one comes unless they’re drawn
By the voice of desire that leads em’ along
To the redemption of what went wrong
By the blood that covered the innocent one
No more separation
Between us.

So lift your voice just one more time
If there’s any hope may it be a sign
That everything was made to shine
Despite what you can see
So take this bread and drink this wine
And hide your spirit in the vine
Where all things will work by good design
For those who will believe

And let go of all we cannot hold onto
For the hope beyond the blue

Said I let go of all I could not hold onto
For the hope I have in you

Does anyone actually read this thing anymore?  I haven’t posted since September, so I am kind of disappointed about that.  Truthfully, I don’t think I could have written much of any interest anyway.  So, let me update you now.

My first semester was great!  I got the grades I wanted, but more than that, it was an amazing experience.  Then I got to go home for Christmas, which was great, but too short.  I didn’t see but one or two friends, so that was a bummer.  When I come home in the summer, I plan to stay longer so I can see more people.

My second semester of seminary is in full swing.  Getting back to Hebrew is brutal so far.  I am thoroughly confused, but that is what I get for not studying over winter break!  I am taking a class called Personal Spiritual Disciplines.  I will be required to journal, go to chapel, and meet with an accountability partner.  I am hoping these things will be refreshing and edifying for me spiritually.  I am also hoping I develop better habits in spending time with the Lord and in His Word.

This weekend I will be going to something called Women at the Cross.  I don’t really know how to feel about it, and I am not sure what to expect either.  I guess that is something I will have to blog about later.

Ummm….work is normal. Except that I am now working a couple days each week in the accounting office instead of the deli.  I like it.  It’s a nice change of scenery.

Okay…now I realize just how boring my life really is right now, and so do all of you.

Have a nice day! =)

Much love,

Diahnna

Sanctify–to be made holy, set apart as sacred, consecrated; to purify or free from sin.  This semester, I am taking a class that requires a personal sanctification project. For this project, I am to choose a topic in my personal spiritual life that I feel I need to work on.  I chose public speaking (!!!).  I chose this topic with no real expectations to actually be sanctified.  Speaking my mind in almost any setting, apart from those I feel the most comfortable with, is way too scary.  I feel watched and judged.  And I am not comfortable putting myself in a spotlight, wondering what the audience is really thinking.  Do I look like an idiot?  Am I being clear?  Do I think I know what I am talking about when really, I haven’t done my homework?  All of these things cross my mind.  I have always been more of a writer than a speaker.  I can more clearly get my points across with words on a page than with words on my tongue.  I feel inarticulate and inadequate in this area. (This problem is compounded by a feeling of intimidation from men, so public speaking in front of men is a double dose of fear for me.)

So, because of that I thought I would be able to do this project by just comprehending the problem, explaining the sin at the root of it (fear of man), and explaining how to overcome it, without having to do any of the work to change the problem.  But God doesn’t want to cooperate with me….so instead, He is making me cooperate with Him.  Apparently, He thinks I need to overcome this problem.   So here is what he has done….

Almost immediately after turning in the contract for this project, God began to force me into change.  Lovingly, of course.  The Sunday after deciding on public speaking, I sat in on a small group (which I have been visiting for a while) with friends at Franklin Street Church.  This particular Sunday, the small group leader was out of town, so one of the couples in the group lead the evening.  It was not the typical Bible study time together.  Instead, they chose to have a “bonding experience”. (Let me just clarify, for a moment, that these lovely people are friends that I have know since I first came to Louisville, and therefore not really strangers.  But, still, it is a large group and of men and women.)  The activity was for each person to tell as much about themselves as they could in only one minute.  At first, I was thinking, I am NOT doing this.  But after several people had their turn before me, I realized one minute was not a long time, and I got through it okay.  BUT….then they wanted us to each have another turn and say, “What I didn’t tell you was…”  This time we had FOUR whole minutes! I thought, “This is going to be terrible! What will be next? Ten minutes?” Needless to say, I was very uncomfortable. (Although, after my four minutes was over, I said, “But I’m not done yet.”)  Afterwards, the group broke up into two groups…guys and girls.  Now, we were to pray for each other based on the things we had learned in the previous activity.  Normally, this would be a “popcorn prayer” time…or maybe just one person would lead the prayer.  But not here.  The other ladies decided each of us would pray OUT LOUD for the person to the left of us.  I forced myself to try it….my mind went completely blank. I broke down crying, not because I was praying out loud, but because I was getting to pray for one of my dearest friends, Sharla, and I felt….overwhelmed. But in a very good way! I couldn’t even talk for a long time because I was just crying.  I finally did pray for her though, out loud. I have no idea what I even said, but I am sure Sharla appreciated it none the less.  That was Public Speaking experience #1.

Since that time (which was about 12 days ago) I have noticed activities like this, on a much smaller scale, where God is saying, “Speak up.”  Every time I feel that fear creeping up, even in situations such as an appointment to shoot photos for a family…of people….where I have to give them direction, I am reminded that those things can and should be opportunities for me to allow God to sanctify me.  The passage above, Matthew 10:16-20; 26-31, and others like it, I chose as reminders that I can be bold in Christ.  I am reminded that even in everyday situations, where I am not even having to defend Christ, or myself as a Christian, I should have no fear.  Because, those situations help to prepare me for the times when I will have to choose to be bold for Christ.  I am realizing that a fear of man’s judgment on me does not allow for the Spirit to do His work through me.  And now I wonder, what is it that God has wanted to say to someone through me, that I have not allowed Him to because I was too afraid to just open my mouth?  How many times have opportunities like that been looked over or passed up, because I was more afraid of man than of God?  Now, though I still very much struggle with this issue, I am hoping that as time passes and I encounter these kind of opportunities, the fear will be less and less each time.  We shall see. =)

much love,

Diahnna

First, school has started and I am loving it!!  The first week I wasn’t so sure I was going to get to continue the semester because I didn’t receive enough scholarship money to pay for most of the semester, and therefore it was going to cost me too much out of my pocket.  But God provided and I couldn’t be more thankful!!  It is such a blessing to get  to experience this kind of education.  Professors begin class by taking prayer requests and opening up in prayer.  And you get to study Scripture and not just theories/books by people!  The  classes are conducted with so much humility and grace.  I have never seen professors who genuinely invest in the education and lives of their students!

I must admit that my study habits are quickly having to evolve, and by that I mean I actually have to study.  There is a lot of reading…and writing…but my brain loves having to think again.  So, don’t be surprised if you have a conversation with me in the future and notice I am beginning to sound more sophisticated.  Too much time working at Walmart suppressed the ability to have intelligent thought processes until know.

My classes are Elementary Hebrew, which I am loving…and am doing very well in so far.  Intro to Biblical Counseling, which I love, but am having a hard time reconciling to my psychology background.  You will likely see a future blog post that will be all about this class, and maybe even more than one.  But at least one discussing my sanctification project.  My topic: The fear of public speaking.  Why I decided to be sanctified in this area, I have no idea.  I don’t want to talk in front of people….it’s scary (hence the word “fear”).  And then I have Survey of Christian Ethics, which I really enjoy just because Dr. Moore is so great to listen to.  Sometimes I forget to take notes, just because I am too busy listening to him speak. (a side not: having all professors who are called “Dr.” kinda makes me wanna get a PhD…just so people can call me “Dr.” Although, I would hope to be married by then cause Dr. Peairson  sounds weird to me.)

Moving on, I have now decided on a church home.  I am going to join Franklin Street Church (previously Grace Church, which merged with Franklin Street Baptist Church and is now known as Franklin Street Church).  Anyway, it is the place I have visited the most, and invested the most in relationships with people there.  I mostly decided they were my family away from family when I realized I wanted to spend my birthday (this past Sunday) with them, and not go visit somewhere else.  I wasn’t sure I actually wanted to join the church, I was just going to participate and keep my membership at Sagemont.  But since I plan to be here at least a few years, I figured it just made more sense to actually join the church.

Also, I am finally moving into the new apartment with my roommate, Jessica, the weekend of Sept. 10!!  Both of us are very excited to finally move into our own place.  We are going to blow up some of my photographs and use them to decorate the walls.  I assume most of those will be photos of places around Louisville.  Tomorrow we plan on photographing Cave Hill Cemetery where Colonel Sanders is buried, and several other famous-ish people.

One last thing, I have been confronted lately by a woman I work with who says she is thinking of leaving here husband and might be in love with another man.  She knows she shouldn’t leave here husband and she doesn’t really even want to, but she feels like she has done all she can in the marriage and he just isn’t cooperating.  So who is she asking for advice? ME!!  At first, I was thinking I couldn’t help her.  I haven’t been married.  I haven’t even been dating, let alone been married.  But then I figured I knew what Scripture had to say on the matter, and she said she is a believer but just hadn’t gone to church in a very long time.  So, I told her what Paul says about not leaving your husband if you are a believer, and told her she shouldn’t wait for him to go with her to church or counseling.  I said she should do those things without him, because she needed to start somewhere.  And that if she was serious about saving her marriage she would do whatever it she could on her part to make it work.  She said I wasn’t the first person to give her that advice, so she was going to try.  She keeps seeking me out for me to listen, and I am feeling more comfortable doing it,  I just hope I don’t lead her the wrong way.  This makes me glad to be taking a counseling class.

That is all for now, friends.  Hope you all are well!

much love,

Diahnna

There is still at least one other church I would like to visit as well as the other campus of Sojourn (because it’s closer to where I live).  I feel I am going to have trouble deciding where to join.  They all preach Truth, so it’s basically a matter of comfort.  Grace has most of my friends, Sojourn feels more like home, and Ninth & O seems to have a pretty solid singles ministry, and therefore more opportunities to fellowship with people in my same life situation.

I still get homesick a lot.  But I am so aware of the spiritual position God has me in right now.  Having to create a new life and sort of start over from scratch without family anywhere near is sort of eye-opening.  I am so alone….but in a good way.  I have never been in a place where I knew I would absolutely have to completely rely on God for all of my needs.  Silly things like not being able to call my dad to rescue me if my car isn’t working seem so un-silly.  Now, I pray over my car almost every time I get in it!  Knowing all funding for seminary will have to come from scholarships or I can’t go….knowing I HAVE to make rent so I won’t be homeless….

The things I stressed over back home are 10x more stressful.  But I have such a peace about everything.  I know I will not go hungry, or unsheltered, or un-provided for in any way.  God has gotten me this far, and He will not abandon me.  I feel so blessed to have the people around me that I do.  I am pretty sure God knows who I need to know and when I need to know them, and I am so thankful for that.

I am looking forward to the start of school, although I still am questioning what I am REALLY doing here.  Being this close to 30 and still questioning my career path is a little scary.  But maybe I am just nervous about getting back in the classroom.  I am also looking forward to getting plugged into some kind of ministry.  I would actually like to pick up doing Meals4Missions here in Louisville.  It’s been talked about quite a bit, but I am unsure how to get it going.

Most recent cool story:  Last Thursday night Sharla and Jordan invited me out to eat with a couple of our friends, the Borah’s.  The Borah’s had been invited by another couple which I had not met.  We go and there are several people we don’t know, the Borah’s and us.  We sit, we order, we talk, we eat….and then I noticed one of the girls, Kelly, who I had not met looked very familiar.  I was pretty sure I knew where I recognized her from, but I asked Jodee Borah just to be sure what her name was.  Then I told the story of who I thought she was and how I thought I knew her. Finally, when the meal was over, I met her.  I told her how I knew her…AND I WAS RIGHT!!!  Turns out I used to go with Kayla and her family to this reunion singing concert thingy.  A bunch of Southern Gospel singers would get together at a church over in Channel View and have a concert and raise money.  Kayla’s family and Kelly’s family would sing in it every year.  Also turns out that Kayla’s aunt by marriage and Kelly’s mom were raised together.  It’s just so strange that I saw her all those times and never met her until we both moved to Louisville.  She just moved up her in June, and her husband is starting at the seminary in the Fall.

So, there you have a little piece of my world.  I can’t wait to have more to share.  Especially when God starts to do some really awesome things in this place!  I don’t know for sure if I’ll be coming home at the end of the month like I planned.  But when I talk to Austin on the phone today, he said he wanted me to visit.  That pretty much made me want to drive down there even more.  I will keep you all posted. =)

much love,

Diahnna

This wouldn’t be so bad, but the place I am staying currently doesn’t have internet.  I didn’t realize how much more lonely I would feel without it, except that I am so used to connecting with people via facebook/email.  I have felt so disconnected from people back home simply because I don’t have internet. And I am a little afraid of calling people, because I don’t want to seem so vulnerable, and I know actually hearing people’s voices makes me more emotional.

Yesterday I spent most of the day trying to get internet.  At one point I got so frustrated that I yelled, “I hate this place! I just wanna go home.”  And so I cried.  Then I left the house and went to AT&T to see how I could get it.  I found out it would cost me $60/month to tether my cell phone to my laptop or to use a USB modem. That is way too expensive for me…and so I cried some more. Couple that with an awkward conversation via text (which also made me cry) with someone I am not so sure I told the entire truth to, and a craving for What-A-Burger when there is none here, and I ended up with a pretty awful day.

(funny side note: I mentioned What-A-Burger at work and everyone was like, “Water Burger?…I have never heard of that/.”)

But God knows exactly what He’s doing.  Cause at the end of that awful day, I was reminded by Sharla that sometimes something is good for you now even when it doesn’t feel like it at the time. And then I got to spend time with some amazing people that have really embraced me.  Although at times I really feel like I am surrounded by people way out of my league, and that I am really not good enough to be in this place, I also know that God has a lot in store for me here.  I think most of the time we try to be “good enough”….when in reality, God isn’t looking for “good enough”.  He’s only looking for “willing enough”.

I also started to realized over the past couple of days, that God has presented me with a lot of alone time.  And I have failed to seize the opportunity  to spend time with Him instead of being alone.  I could probably remedy the feeling of “being out of my league” if I could replace it with a feeling of being closer to the Lord.  This is something I plan on pursuing, practicing….making myself more disciplined.

So, other than those things, there really isn’t much going on here.  I miss home….but I miss the people more.  I know that I am just going through a tough transition and that after another couple of weeks this place will start to feel like home.  Until then, I will just have to embrace the season God has me in for now. =)

much love,

Diahnna

Since Wednesday, though, I have also felt very at peace with going away.  I feel like God is doing big things in my heart, and that there are a lot of things He wants me to learn at school.  I am reconsidering my major….something that I have only been doing in the past couple of weeks.  I have decided not to make a decision about that until I am SURE of where God is leading me.  I have a lot to pray about over the summer and during my first semester of school, but I know that God has big plans for me.

The thing is, I have met several people over the past four or five years that I am sure I want to do ministry with.  And, over this past year, God has called me to a place I never thought He would.  A place I never thought I would be successsful in.  He has called me to leadership.  Whatever path I take in my education, I know He wants me to be involved in these things:

• leading young women
• counsel/discipleship for youth and families
• missions

I am excited to see what God has in store for me.  But I am scared to leave home.  I am scared of losing what I have here.  I am planning on keeping myself connected to home in a few ways.  I am not going to change my church membership.  I very much want for Sagemont to stay my home church.  Also, I will still be updating the Meals for Missions blog, even though I won’t be participating in the events.  Quitting Texas cold-turkey wouldn’t be much fun, so I have to keep connections somewhere.

So, the countdown to the big move has begun.  Tomorrow will be 19 days.  I am excited and sad all at the same time.

=-?

much love,

Diahnna

Sunday night, I began a new journal.  Like I said in my previous post, journaling is something I am trying to do for emotional release…..I’ll be keeping the blogging to more rational/thought provoking topics.  Anyhow, I started this new journal with a quiet Bible study and then just wrote about things that are happening, how I feel, what I hope God will do in my life.  The passage I chose to read was 1 Corinthians 9-10.  When I got to the end, I wrote down the verses that most spoke to me.  1 Corinthians 10:12-13 (NIV):

¹²So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don’t fall! ¹³No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.

I even wrote that first scentence on a post-it and put it up on my mirror in my room.  This verse came to mean so much more to me after tonight than it did when I first read it on Sunday.

Tonights topic in small group was on temptation.  We discussed the story of Joseph and Potiphar’s wife.  I found it refreshing to see how Joseph, a common man with no superhuman powers, could maintain his loyalty to God and resist the temptations of a beautiful woman.  And something I felt amusingly applies to my life right now was that Josephs final response to the woman’s insistance that she go to bed with him was that he fled.  He ran away.  When faced with a problem he wasn’t sure he could handle, or maybe he just didn’t want to handle, OR maybe just because it was the only way he could honor God, he ran away.  And then, printed there at the end of our Bible study notes was that verse again. 1 Corinthians 10:12-13.

Listen to these powerful words: “No temptation has seized you except what is common to man.”  There is nothing special about me or you that makes us exempt from temptations.  More than that, there is nothing special about any one of us that makes the Lord more apt to allow certain temptations to come our way because he knows we can handle them more than others.  No, we are all human.  And He is on our side.

So He gives us this promise: “But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.”  How awesome is that?  Knowing that God will always provide a way out for the things that come our way should be comforting.  Something to remember as I live out my final weeks in Texas and travel to a new place.  From what things are you looking for a way out?  Think about it.

much love,

Diahnna

I have decided to pursue going to seminary in the Fall.  This time (you know…since I have made this decision three times before) I feel a bit reserved, but also very at peace with the decision.  I am wondering if it is ever possible to make a decision without having some reservations.  I understand that I have other options.  But this is the one I am choosing….moving to Kentucky, tentatively during the first week of May.  Otherwise, I’ll be going at the end of August.

After making this decision, I immediately saught the advice of those I most trust. Mentors, friends, family…  I realize that I saught this advice, not because I couldn’t make a final decision without the imput of others, but because I was seeking validation….encouragement.  Now, though, I can see how this process may appear to be motivated by an inability to understand myself and what I want.

My reasons for going to seminary?  The simplest reason is that I want to be well equipped to serve the Lord in the capacity to which He is calling.  That means I want to be educated.  Also, I don’t want to compromise what I feel is getting the best education for silly things like location or money.  That means I want to go to the school that I feel is best for me.  These are the motivations at the root of my decision.

I do have reservations about leaving, but I know that what I am doing is what is best for me.  And, I know God will bless me in the process.  I am definitely going to miss everyone here.  And, I am going to miss the routine I was just starting to become accustomed to.  A new church, an awesome small group, volunteering….. But, I have a feeling I’ll be back eventually, doing ministry here  as well as abroad.  =)

much love,

Diahnna

But then something strange happened.  I got to work and kept myself unusally busy so as not to think about that crappy mood I was in.  I was like this for a little more than two hours.  Then my coworker showed up.  She is 17 and naive about a lot of things (as are most 17 yr olds).  I have really been trying to be a good example for her…she tends to make some choices that aren’t so smart.  So, yesterday when I run into her, I can tell she has been crying.  She explains that it has been an emotional day for her.  Not for any specific reason.  She is just really emotional.  She explained that she had been crying a lot, and while trying to talk to another friend at work about it she just broke down.  Then she says that she is turning 18 in a few months and it scares her.  She doesn’t feel that she is mature enough to be 18.  She says her parents think they have been bad parents because her and her brother have made some bad decisions.

I am hearing this and thinking, “Shouldn’t every teenager be excited to be turning 18?  This doesn’t make any sense.”  So, I explained to her that she isn’t immature and her parents aren’t bad parents.  It’s just that sometimes, especially as teenagers, we make bad choices.  And that even as adults we make bad choices.  I told her that I have mad a lot of bad choices, even since I have been an adult, and it’s not about being immature.  Maturity is more about owning up to the things you have done wrong and learning from those mistakes than it is about trying to do everything right.

So then she says, “I don’t know why, but you are easier to talk to.  You don’t make me cry.”  I replied, “I am glad I don’t make you cry.  Now, let’s get back to work.”  From that point on, my day seemed to be a little less crappy, and by the time I got home I was almost completely out of my funky mood.  So I learned that sometimes, being a loving and encouraging example to someone, even when you feel every bad feeling you can think of, is just enough to make your day brighter.  Now if I could just make that feeling last for the next six months, that would be the greatest! =/

much love,

Diahnna